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Vertigo

x-posted at: http://h-johanna.blogspot.com

Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves. -Milan Kundera

Milan Kundera remarked once that vertigo was not necessarily the fear of falling, but the fear for the desire to fall. This is how I experience this new year. With a certain sense of vertigo. I have once remarked that one shouldn’t despair at change and the temporary nature of things, for these features are simply inevitable when living, and that one should use these as an excuse to breathe and take the full advantage of what Is going at this very moment. Though they also say that the hardest kind of living is from day to day. I have actively attempted to make myself smaller and to stretch myself over as little time as possible. I’d like not to wonder too much about past or future. (Though this New Years I allowed myself to wander in a sense of nostalgia for an hour or so, which did worry some of my companions.) No, I actively try to keep my feet on the earth and not let dreams take over too much. It seems to me an art to face things as open and accepting as possible; to let myself fall into it, so to speak.

This year however, the change is going to be big. Now it feels like I am heading towards a point where I am finishing my masters. I am done studying and my path is less set than it has been for years. I could continue trying to get a phd, I could start working, I could travel, do both, focus more on art, dance classes. I haven’t decided yet and I feel that I am not too keen on setting that future yet. I’ve also found I started unbinding myself, no university, no set job, no relationship, I do not live with my parents, I have at most a months notice for my room., no family. I am, in a sense, free. An opportunity is created, a hole filled with possibilities, and as much as I don’t like to look forward too much (for I am thoroughly enjoying my life at this moment) I can feel it getting closer. I can feel a sense of vertigo, a sense of fear. It feels like running towards something blindfolded. I know my path, I like running, but I don’t know where I am going, but I trust it to be all right. And there is an active desire for that blindfolded running, for the falling into the unknown. And that is maybe what frightens me most: the impulsivity, the need for thrill, change or lack of security. But I’ll let it come, I’ll close my eyes, and enjoy the now and be ready for what is coming, whatever is.

As I write these final words I’m listening to metamorphosis by Phillip Glass and fondly remember the words my teacher told me: “der Weg is das Ziel”. When he told me this at first I had no idea why he told me so, but slowly I find that truer words have rarely been spoken to me. Happy New Years.

meme time

I responded to ginnyvos  for this meme

If you comment on this post, I will:

1. Respond with something random about you.
2. Tell you which color you remind me of.
3. Tell you my first memory of you.
4. Tell you what animal you remind me of.
5. Ask you something I've always wondered about you.
6. Tell you my favorite thing about you.
7. Tell you my least favorite thing about you.
8. Challenge you to post this on your journal.

Voice of the people


So our country speaks today. It's the local elections though, everyone is very much aware that these local elections (which are generally ignored a lot more) are an omen for the national elections. People look on scared to two different districts. We wait for the results and tremble. (However, please do not tremble and fear too much, if you do you are more liable to vote right-winged) For maybe, maybe the blonde horror might win in these two districts. Our xenophobic friends might triumph and God knows what will this say for the national elections. Our governments fall, our foundations crumble, are we still this free and open country or have we indeed closed up and turned our ways inward. Freedom phah!

I am so afraid that I listen to you,
your sun glassed protectors they do that to you.
It's their ways to detain, their ways to disgrace,
their knee in your balls and their fist in your face.
Yes and long live the state by whoever it's made,
sir, I didn't see nothing, I was just getting home late.
A singer must die- Leonard Cohen

The Editors

We are an alien kind, shy and polite. We observe. We walk with our eyes cast to the ground in crowded places. Hold open doors and step back when people want ahead. We stumble on our words when we are surprised by being spoken to; the rare occasion when glances don’t pass us to the more salient people in our vicinity.
We know our kind when we glance around: the people who draw back, the people who are tolerated and well liked, but ignored and unacknowledged. We recognize them and smile. We feel no pity for the others of our kind. Not even when the crowd ignores them and our eyes meet, for we realize that we both know each other. We know our nature. We know it is in us to survive. It is in us to control.
You can find us in the background. You can find us in offices, in bookstores, in libraries and in universities, behind the scenes of the television. We have an urge to see, but no urge to be seen. They hand us their empty coffee cups to refill together with their files and folders to check, the scripts of the newsreaders to correct, the political speeches to write, the books to edit. We do not mind this. We will gladly clean your dirty cup. We’ll smile about it; tell you good luck and that the extra material is no problem. Our vocabulary exists of: please, thank you and no problem. As long as when you are out there you say and do what we want you to say.
We check the policies and correct them to our liking before sending them off. We determine if the books say what we want them to. We stand in the back mouthing with the famous speeches to see if they’re delivered correctly. We determine what you see, hear and even believe and are glad to give up the spotlight for that.
So, please, do not heed us, and we will expand our empire. We will watch you. Behind security cameras and policies, body-scans and chipcards that check wherever you’re going. We will watch your mobile phones and we will know all about you, while you nod and thank us for it, when we hold the door open for you.
Soon the assimilation of your planet will be done.

Feb. 1st, 2010

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food 1.

“Één kleine patat met.” The words are out of my mouth before I know it. I feel a little guilty as I watch the guy behind the counter put salt on the chips and then squirt mayonaise over them.
munch munchCollapse )

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Day 12: buttons

By: h_johanna
Rating: g
Wordcount: 336
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: All characters and situations are owned by me.

ButtonsCollapse )

Day 9-11

The dentist informed my I have to get three wisdom teeth removed, needless to say. I am not pleased. I don't not like dentists, and I do not like needles in my mouth or them breaking my teeth and removing them. I don't like the prospect of walking around with a swollen hurt face, getting painkillers and having the operation performed twice. Ah well, if I want to keep my perfect smile.

Anyway, no day nine. That was handwritten, but I have day ten and eleven for you. Both G and under the two hundred words.


Day ten and elevenCollapse )

Day 8: bedtime

I am bruised, beaten and utterly content.

By: h_johanna
Rating: g
Wordcount: 124
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: All characters and situations are owned by me.

BedtimeCollapse )

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